so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize