Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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