my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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