i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
