I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
