I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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