In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
