you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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