His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
