Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
