I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
