Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
