I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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