Will you blow on my dice?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
