my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
