I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize