Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
