i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
