Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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