btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
