we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
