Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently you make a good broom.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Houston, we have a squirter
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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