I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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