i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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