Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
