Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
