when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
