At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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