I met the friendliest cop last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
