She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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