I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
