i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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