i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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