puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
