If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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