My nipple is on Facebook.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
