You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
