Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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