new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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