So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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