Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
