im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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