I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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