Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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