ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
