he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
