i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Im part way to drunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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