The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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