Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
