I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
