All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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