if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
