Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
