My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
