If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
