1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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