why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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