Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
