All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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