I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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